A Dear John Text-Twist

Some of you may know that i have had a pretty tough year, but some of you may not know that. I can be a very secretive person when it comes to my life, and other times i just let it out in tears not knowing where it all started. I have had a pretty rough year, full of ups and own, good moments and bad moments. There are too many tears to count and there are countless moments where i am calling out for help or someone i can talk to. I have no problem expressing my emotions because when i go through something, i want people to know or at least know that i am in need of prayers. Over the past 2 weeks, my whole life has been out of control. I cant seem to keep any tears in, and every time i think, my mind runs into a blizzard full of emotions. 

2 years ago, i met a young man. We got to know each other in the summer of 2012 ( I repeat these dates all the time, because they are apart of my life). All summer, we spent moments talking, playing volleyball, and hanging out with our friends. He was graduated and i was starting off my Junior year. That September, he left back to his home town in Alaska. We still talked over text, face time, and phone often. In February, he enlisted in the Army and was soon on his way to boot camp. I had no contact at all with him, besides letters and once when he got a family weekend, where we face timed and talked on the phone. A few weeks later, he flew into PDX on Friday May 17th, 2013. My cousin kyle and friend Ben went and picked up Lincoln and Shane ( Lincoln’s best friend) from the airport. The time was after 10:00 PM. My mind was anxious, and all i could think was… finally i get to see him. I have waited 9 months for this moment. All military returns are always different than what you expect but, what matters it that there safe, and they are home. Following up, Lincoln and i spent a whole week together and on May 19th, 2013 we made our relationship official. The week flew by, and the Good-bye was so very hard. I was just bawling my eyes out walking out of the airport. I disliked that he had to leave me again. But that’s the military. They are never around. Summer rolled around and my senior year started. October i was searching frantically for plane tickets to see Lincoln. I looked every where, and finally i ended up with one that left on a Tuesday and came back a Saturday. I’ll take it! I left early morning on October 15, 2013. I arrived in the Water town, New York early evening. I got off the plane and waited about 30 minutes for Lincoln to pick me up. I ended up talking on the phone with mom for awhile. Then… Lincoln walks in! Finally i was thinking. About time. The first moments were pretty awkward because well were used to talking on the phone and face timing, and when you are actually with that person, it is the weirdest feeling in the world. But, we eventually started talking and soon its like i never said Good bye. Lincoln and i did a few things here and there on the base, but being with him was good enough for me. The morning of the 19th came up fast, and the second good bye came about. I tried keeping in my emotions, but how can you? Another 9-10months.. and so i thought. Lincoln left the end of October for his deployment overseas. We stayed in contact through face book, and he tried calling me when he could. Every day i was thinking one day closer. I imagined the day when i would see him in my head over and over every day. That is what gave me motivation to get through these months without him. I counted down the months. 1,3,half way there… just 3 more months… 

Then the unexpected happened. My whole heart just broke, tears streaming down my face when he told me he wanted to reenlist. The weekend of Memorial Day weekend, i was home alone and Lincoln was stressing out about the future and how i was ” not supportive”of his reenlistment. Keep in mind that this was over text. Pretty Pathetic. I tried my best to be sincere and to tell him not to stress about this right now. He wouldnt listen to me when i said ” lets not talk about this now. We need to talk about this in person “. But the things he was saying was not respectful toward me. I am not going to say what they were because of privacy of course and respect. I did not know how to feel or react. My heart was shaking, my body was shaking, i got to my lowest. I had no appetite, and all i wanted to do was just leave this world. How can he do this to me? Why is he saying this to me? Why do you not think you dont deserve me? I am selfish? But who has been supportive from the start. Who has sent you packages, and messages to strengthen and help you with the deployment? Who has been waiting to see her boyfriend while he is over seas. Who goes to bed crying al the time, because her boyfriend is gone. Me. Me the army girlfriend… 

2 years.. how can that just go to waste?

The night i knew was my lowest, was when i came home from work, and Lincoln started to argue and say things. My mind was going crazy, and i was just crying, thinking of what could happen, and what do i say to him? I ended up laying in my bed shaking, freezing and tears just running like crazy. I was breathing heavily, and my body just laid trembling on my bed. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. When i started to calm down… I guess i fell asleep. But I dont remember going to sleep nor do i remember dreaming. I just remember waking up from darkness. By then my body was at peace and i was content. It was the strangest thing that i have ever experienced. I usually dream when i go to bed, but that night i did not. I am not sure if it was just because i was exhausted and my brain just needed to shut down… or what? I just remember thinking, i felt like i was completely gone for awhile. I was in complete darkness, with a life-less body ( no harm was done at all, and i was not attempting suicide if that’s what your thinking). All that i thought was that, God wanted to show me that my life is important, and just experiencing being nowhere scared me. But i was content when i woke. I was at peace, and eventually fell back to sleep. 

Over the weekend, it continued to be a huge mess. I was just not in a good place at all, and to top it off i was home alone. Probably not such a good idea. The weekend ended and the arguing-texts had calmed down.  We eventually talked a little more normal by Monday. Tuesday rolled around and i went to school, met my friend for coffee, and went to work. At work i felt very sick. I had a nauseous feeling in my stomach and my body was just tired and achy. So i called my boss and had a coworker come in and work for me. I drove home (barely) and went straight to my bed and laid there. I was so tired, sick, and my stomach was just full of nausea. I laid the rest of the night in my bed. I eventually got a text later from Lincoln. Oh great. This cant be happening. I ignored it, and rested. The next morning we text a little and it just started again. 

Everything that i thought we had, and everything that we had wanted in our future together fell beneath my feet. Everything i was hoping for, just crumpled. My heart broken, left abandoned. I feel truly and utterly unloved, un-cared for, and just abandoned. It happened Wednesday night. A week ago from June 4th. That night i ran in crying into my moms room. She was amazing. I am so thankful for my mom helping me get through a breakup. She was giving me encouragement and guidance.I just didn’t want this to be over. My heart wont let me be over it.

So there i was, putting on another fake face through the rest of the week at school. I tried keeping busy, but i had little concentration all weekend and spent long hours just watching TV. I was emotionless that weekend. A week later, I am a wreck. Still. 

I tried running a four 4 mile run. But running while your pissed, mad, emotional, and not to mention it was still pretty warm out is not a good idea. I ended up barely breathing, barely gasping for air. I had to stop, to calm down and get myself together. After my run, it just went down hill. I had nothing to say. I was sitting in the kitchen, my family trying to comfort, and me feeling lost, looking for answers and trying to think of positive things to look toward. 

All i can say is that i am just shocked! I am so mad, and pissed all together. Every thing that i put forth into this relationship is gone. They are beaten and they are thrown away. But Still half my heart is still overseas? Why? My mind is extremely mixed up, and i am on the verge of going insane. I have been through nothing but storms, thorn bushes, and rain from my eyes. And what have i received? 

I get the Love from God. But  All i think is Why? Why does my life have to be so hard right now? I having been praying so much this past week, searching for answers. 

My Answers:

  1. If lincoln and I are meant to be. We will be together. But if we are not, then it wont happen. 
  2. Don’t plan anything. God has your plans in his hands. Things will work out in his timing.
  3. Never expect. Even though i have been waiting to see him, and i expected to see him and i expected everything to be perfect when he came back, those things flipped the opposite direction. 
  4. People change, Especially men who are in service. Whether you say they wont, and they willl be the same when they come back. They change, maybe not a lot, but they do. 

With this new path in my life. I am just not liking it so far, but God has told me that there will be better days coming. I pray every day.

I pray for Lincoln. 

Lord, Please comfort, and strengthen Lincoln in his deployment. I ask that you keep him safe, and bring him back to his family.Provide peace for him and to know that you are his main focus. Take away all the stress, and things that are weighing him down so that he can continue to fight for the US. Lord, allow him to know his true purpose and where his focus should be. Please send my love, and care for him. Amen. 

Through all of this pain, I am content. I am comforted and i am safe because of my One True Love! I know that in my heart, its best to have a break and to allow Lincoln some space. In some ways i am relieved and in others i am pissed. I truly have no clue what to think. It all happened so fast, like a blink. A blink and everything is gone. Everything is changed. Truly right now, all i need is to heal. I need time for myself and to focus everything on Christ. I don’t like this… one bit. I still miss him. So Much! Its hurts. My heart if hurting, and i am requesting prayers for myself, as well as Lincoln. 

Thank You for all the support and Love. 

Keep praying. 

 

 

 

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23 things you may no know about me (:

(This is kind of short, but i figured this may be interesting to read). 


23 Things You May Not Know:

  1. I have a huge family. Not just my immediate family. But a huge family, with so many cousins, including my 10 aunt and uncles. 
  2. I have a major coffee and Dark Chocolate obsession. ( My favorite coffee place is Battle Grounds Coffee). 
  3. I flew on my first plane last summer ( 2013) to South Carolina for 2 weeks.
  4. In the last year i have flown threes times. Greenville, South Carolina. Water Town, New York. Ontario, California. 
  5. I played piano for 5 years. 
  6. I am a very healthy eaters. Most of the time(: love my Fruits and Veggies. 
  7. I love mushrooms and can eat a avocado plain(: 
  8. I tried Inn and out Burger for the first time over spring break… and i was not impressed. ( Sorry to those that love it!) 
  9. I am obsessed with Jewelry. ( Those bracelets though;) 
  10. Favorite store: Nordstroms Rack and target.
  11. I love Pinterest. 
  12. I love to go and try new bakeries and coffee shops. 
  13. i drink everything with a straw. 
  14. Favorite Movies : Shes the man, The Parent Trap, Safe Haven,  and The Last Song. 
  15. Favorite Books: Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks and The Green Glass Sea. 
  16. I love chips and salsa. ( Who Song and Larry’s, and Chevy’s are my favorite Mexican restaurants). 
  17. I am Lactose Intolerant. ( but i love Ice cream)
  18. I love pictures, taking pictures and be photographed.
  19. I love the outdoors, and hiking
  20. I used to be a tom boy. I would ride four wheeler’s, climb trees, and build forts in my woods. 
  21. I used to collect rocks.
  22. My favorite animal is an elephant. 
  23. I am almost deaf in my left ear. When i was in fifth grade i had to get surgery and had to get a T-tube put into my ear.

The Human Life

This past week, has been let just say horrible. It has been one of the worst weeks of my life. I haven’t been able to concentrate nor have I had the energy to do anything.  I am just longing for a new week, a new start, and a new outlook. But my pain doesn’t want to heal. I keep thinking and looking around me and thinking… this wont end! This pain and this heavy rock on my heart is so strong that my heart just wants to quit. My heart is waiting for that spark to revive it. That spark is tiny right now. My heart is healing slowly. My heart is ready to give up. I am ready to give up. But theres a voice in my mind that keeps telling me… don’t stop. YOU are STRONG! This pain is going to end. Hold on, I have you. I talk back and say.. God why? why me? why am I going through this. I have been in pain not just this one week, but all year. This pain all of sudden grew strong this week. Every little thing… came… they came and formed one huge black-and ugly mess. my heart is ugly. My heart is gone. BUT, I am not gone. I know that. All year I have been thinking… I have changed so much. Where am I going? what am I doing? is there a purpose for me here? I have struggled with so many different things. That I just wont say. I keep telling myself tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. Stay strong!

This cyle that I keep telling myself is going to end. A BRAND NEW START is coming. But when? GOD, where am I. I cry out to God asking him ” I need you”. ” Lord I Need you”. ” Help me”.

( Sorry to be depressing).

Durante Mi Descanso de Primavera ( Spanish free write)

Durante mi descanso de primavera, yo fui a visitar my hermana tiffany, cunado Tj, y mi sobrino Tenneson. 

Yo estuve muy emocionada porque yo fui a visitar my hermana, y yo fui a california por una semana. Yo deja’ PDX a las 7 en la manana. Lo estuve muy temprana en la manana. Pero yo deja’ en Jueves 3 de Abril. Yo tira’ dos dias de la escuela pero lo estaba un dias de mitades.

Durante my vuelo, nosotros tenemos a parar en san Diego, California. Yo espera’ por tres ahoras antes de mi proximo vuelo. Luego a las doce en la tarde, Llegue en Ontario, California. Mi hermana, cunado y mi sobrino seleccionaron a mi de la Aeropuerto. 

Yo tuve muy divertida en California. Lo fue mi primero tiempo en California y tambien mi familia. Pero, mi familia conducio a california en nuestro carro. My hermano Aaron y mi hermana Merissa no fuieron a California porque ellos visitaron antes de nuestro descanso de primavera.

Yo jugar mi sobrino Tenneson mucho, y tambien my hermana y yo fuimos a cafe’ mucha. Me fascina Cafe. Durante mi vacaciones, yo pasa’ ,mas tiempo con mi sobrino y mi hermana. Nosotros fuimos a Jardin de Victoria. Esta es un afuera centro comerical. Tambien, fuimos a la playa de huntington. Nosotros sentamos en la arena.

Finalmente, mi familia llegamos en domingo el 6 de Abril. En Miercoles el 9, mi familia y yo fuimos a disneyland. Aye, lo estaba muy divertida y asombroso. Este estabamos nuestro proximo tiempo en Disneyland.

Yo tuve mucha divertida en California. yo estoy muy contento con mi vacaciones y que mi jefe me dio una semana de por my descanso. 

Yo necesita’ un descanso del trabajar y escuela. 

 

 

 

Respect- color war 2014

I don’t know what i am more mad about, that fact that we seniors didn’t get the win or that every other class disrespected us. I have never been this disrespected in all my living years! I have calmed down now because i have realized that we have won truly, in our hearts. 

Freshmen year… we blew everyone away. Even though we got fourth place, teachers as well as grades above us, applauded our class and our spirit.

Sophomore year… we took second place! That was, again another great year with loads of spirit. It was our second year of color war and we got second place. 

Junior year… this year was a little more chaotic. We were so determined and displayed the utmost spirit of all the classes. We chanted when we could, and supported each class. We even camped our next to the spirit rock from that day of decorating till the minute before color war. We worked so hard to decorate our section with streamers, posters, balloons, boxes, a shopping cart. We had all eyes on our class. Though, we took second, and seniors got the win. Many teachers, students, and faculty, agreed that our class deserved the win. Which we definitely did! We worked so hard our junior year to beat the seniors. I guess its that Senior Courtesy. 

Junior year also consisted of, seniors tearing down our signs, and the sophomores spraying over our class tire. WHICH, had all the names of the previous green classes. That should have been a total disqualification for both grades. Also, after the fact that we had the tired chained to the bleachers, the seniors snapped open the chain and started to take our tire. That showed no respect for our class. That tire is part of our “green” classes and is a tradition that belongs to us. We got the tired back safely, and brought it back to our senior year.

Senior year… We thought for sure we would get the win. Our class has worked so hard to get the win, but this year we took second again. I worked on posters all day on thursday morning at 7:30 to about 3:30. Of course i excused myself from class and got permission, but we all worked so hard on our decorations. From building the arches out of boxes, to hanging streamers  and balloons, to painting over 15 huge posters! The dance this year and junior year was by far the most entertaining dance to watch. Also, we again camped out all night and guarded the rock! of course all the seniors couldnt be there, but thank you all that could.

We chanted ” senior power” ” i believe, I believe that, i believe that we will win ( chanting over and over again)”. We even put our hands up to support our green tributes ( like in the hunger games).

Some of our poster were ” the mean green fighting machine”. “so fresh, so clean were the class of 2014″,  ” 2014″ ” senior power” “seniors” ” the good.. the bad.. the ugly.. and what freshmen underneath?” ” Livin young wild and green” and many other uniquely thought our posters.

Our class this year deserved not because were seniors, but because we rooted for other class men and respected them. All the other classes did not once root for seniors once. They flipped us off, pushed us, and threw stuff at us.. What is this? why are they disrespecting the SENIOR class. We have done nothing to any class in recent years or grades above us. We have been the most spirited and united class there is.

After our class found out that we didn’t get the win. We walked our and met in the commons. Some of us were crying and yelling ” riot” or ” redo”. OUR CLASS HAS WORKED THE HARDEST EVERY YEAR! Doesn’t that deserve some points? What about the respect? Not one class rooted for seniors. NOT ONE! In past years we have all rooted for each other and supported each class. It was fun until this year!

Most of the seniors left the school today because we were so upset about second. Some like myself were angry because we felt disrespected.

And truly because we all felt that dis-respectfulness, proves that our class is ready to move on and graduate.  

Just know class of 2014, that we deserved the win last year and this year. We don’t need a trophy to signify our win, because we truly won in our hearts. I am so proud of our class coming together, and uniting as one. We always have been a very fun and thrilling class to be a apart of. we are” living young, wild and green”. Which represents our class so much, especially for color war. Just know class, even tho we are all angry and upset about this, lets focus on the positive that came from this. We all came together! We broke down the walls between us and now we are ready to graduate as one class. I  am going to miss being green, and being with you all. I hope that we all can move on and keep our heads up and look toward the future ahead of us.

Seniors, we are ready to start our lives. We are ready to graduate, and we are ready to pass our color to the incoming freshmen. Rock it class of 2018. 

We are the class of 2014! 

Thank You 

Gone

What if i was gone tomorrow? what if someone in our class was not here tomorrow? What would you do? how would you react? Simple. We would all cry and say how we miss them and how that person was so nice and kind. But really you were never there for them. You never talked to them, noticed them. They were just  blank face that you knew, but truly you never knew them one bit.  

“When i die young” sounded through my  head  today, and i just thought of, if  i was gone tomorrow, or someone in our school or graduating class was not here. I wonder what would all happen and how every one would react? In previous deaths/ suicides, they all happen the same exact way. So many random people grieve, when in reality half or most of the people did not know them one bit. They just know their face, and maybe a few details of their life…

I am sitting here writing this post because this random thought popped into my head. i feel like i am writing a selfish and depressing post right now. But truly doesnt it make you think?

I truly hope we will never have to go through a loss in our school or anywhere for that matter. However, it is life and sometimes things happen  that makes it hard for us to accept. 

Really my thoughts lately have been all over the place, Sorry for making a weird and un-thoughout post. 

 

Bullying.

We all know what bullying is and that it is a big problem in our society. But recently i have seen bullying amoungst my peers, and really it hurts me. This bullying is a little different than how people see bullying normally.

 Bullying in the movies, is always a big guy or older girl picking on a smaller youngster for their lunch money or stuffing them in a locker , garbage can or even calling them mean names. Bullying is defined as “Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance.”  This includes Teasing, Name-calling,Inappropriate sexual comments,Taunting,Threatening to cause harm, Spreading rumors and many other forms. 

This bullying is what i like to call ” talking about someone behind there back”. We all like to gossip, and talk about one another and really its in our nature.I admit to talking about others in mean ways, but while i look back at this i feel sorry about it. 

Over the course of this year i have seen it a lot more. I truly never talk about people at school or anywhere, but i am there, sitting,listening to what people have to say about each other. I never repeat these things to anyone because i dont want to be a bad person and go tell everyone what others think of them. I probably couldnt even tell them these things, because it hurts me to. 

I seem to be more on a quit side to some people, but trust me, i can talk(:! I just dont like talking about drama and talking rudely about people. 

I just dont undestand why people hate each other for no reason at all. Every one has emotions and insecurities like the rest of us but talking rudely about someone is really hurtful for them and also to me. I am definitely not pointing fingers because i know there is a handful of students at the school that do these things. Its just how high school works i guess, but i never would have thought it would affect me like this, 

There was this moment when i was hearing students talk about another student, that i was actually friends with. I didnt say anything, but want to get up and leave. There have been many moments where i have wanted to cry. 

I have heard things that should have not been said. For instance People saying they hate another because of how he/she looks or talks. 

Trust me i do not want to get on somebodies bad side, but i am not able to confront these students because i would be judged or then talked about. This saddens me. Especially since we are a small school, and we know a handful of each other. Plus we should know better than this.  I guess this has been on my mind for quit sometime and i just wanted to write down my thoughts. 

I dont have anything against anyone, especially in our senior class. I don’t want to have a grudge because when we finally graduate that is how i will look at that person when i know, that i know nothing about them. 

Seniors, we need to set a good example for the classes under us. Drama. Forget it. Love each other, and talking to one another in a good way. If you have something mean to say, please keep it in. Or maybe go and get to know the person before you say something. 

Thank you for listening to me rant about this! (: 

I felt that i needed to address this topic.