Some of you may know that i have had a pretty tough year, but some of you may not know that. I can be a very secretive person when it comes to my life, and other times i just let it out in tears not knowing where it all started. I have had a pretty rough year, full of ups and own, good moments and bad moments. There are too many tears to count and there are countless moments where i am calling out for help or someone i can talk to. I have no problem expressing my emotions because when i go through something, i want people to know or at least know that i am in need of prayers. Over the past 2 weeks, my whole life has been out of control. I cant seem to keep any tears in, and every time i think, my mind runs into a blizzard full of emotions.
2 years ago, i met a young man. We got to know each other in the summer of 2012 ( I repeat these dates all the time, because they are apart of my life). All summer, we spent moments talking, playing volleyball, and hanging out with our friends. He was graduated and i was starting off my Junior year. That September, he left back to his home town in Alaska. We still talked over text, face time, and phone often. In February, he enlisted in the Army and was soon on his way to boot camp. I had no contact at all with him, besides letters and once when he got a family weekend, where we face timed and talked on the phone. A few weeks later, he flew into PDX on Friday May 17th, 2013. My cousin kyle and friend Ben went and picked up Lincoln and Shane ( Lincoln’s best friend) from the airport. The time was after 10:00 PM. My mind was anxious, and all i could think was… finally i get to see him. I have waited 9 months for this moment. All military returns are always different than what you expect but, what matters it that there safe, and they are home. Following up, Lincoln and i spent a whole week together and on May 19th, 2013 we made our relationship official. The week flew by, and the Good-bye was so very hard. I was just bawling my eyes out walking out of the airport. I disliked that he had to leave me again. But that’s the military. They are never around. Summer rolled around and my senior year started. October i was searching frantically for plane tickets to see Lincoln. I looked every where, and finally i ended up with one that left on a Tuesday and came back a Saturday. I’ll take it! I left early morning on October 15, 2013. I arrived in the Water town, New York early evening. I got off the plane and waited about 30 minutes for Lincoln to pick me up. I ended up talking on the phone with mom for awhile. Then… Lincoln walks in! Finally i was thinking. About time. The first moments were pretty awkward because well were used to talking on the phone and face timing, and when you are actually with that person, it is the weirdest feeling in the world. But, we eventually started talking and soon its like i never said Good bye. Lincoln and i did a few things here and there on the base, but being with him was good enough for me. The morning of the 19th came up fast, and the second good bye came about. I tried keeping in my emotions, but how can you? Another 9-10months.. and so i thought. Lincoln left the end of October for his deployment overseas. We stayed in contact through face book, and he tried calling me when he could. Every day i was thinking one day closer. I imagined the day when i would see him in my head over and over every day. That is what gave me motivation to get through these months without him. I counted down the months. 1,3,half way there… just 3 more months…
Then the unexpected happened. My whole heart just broke, tears streaming down my face when he told me he wanted to reenlist. The weekend of Memorial Day weekend, i was home alone and Lincoln was stressing out about the future and how i was ” not supportive”of his reenlistment. Keep in mind that this was over text. Pretty Pathetic. I tried my best to be sincere and to tell him not to stress about this right now. He wouldnt listen to me when i said ” lets not talk about this now. We need to talk about this in person “. But the things he was saying was not respectful toward me. I am not going to say what they were because of privacy of course and respect. I did not know how to feel or react. My heart was shaking, my body was shaking, i got to my lowest. I had no appetite, and all i wanted to do was just leave this world. How can he do this to me? Why is he saying this to me? Why do you not think you dont deserve me? I am selfish? But who has been supportive from the start. Who has sent you packages, and messages to strengthen and help you with the deployment? Who has been waiting to see her boyfriend while he is over seas. Who goes to bed crying al the time, because her boyfriend is gone. Me. Me the army girlfriend…
2 years.. how can that just go to waste?
The night i knew was my lowest, was when i came home from work, and Lincoln started to argue and say things. My mind was going crazy, and i was just crying, thinking of what could happen, and what do i say to him? I ended up laying in my bed shaking, freezing and tears just running like crazy. I was breathing heavily, and my body just laid trembling on my bed. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. When i started to calm down… I guess i fell asleep. But I dont remember going to sleep nor do i remember dreaming. I just remember waking up from darkness. By then my body was at peace and i was content. It was the strangest thing that i have ever experienced. I usually dream when i go to bed, but that night i did not. I am not sure if it was just because i was exhausted and my brain just needed to shut down… or what? I just remember thinking, i felt like i was completely gone for awhile. I was in complete darkness, with a life-less body ( no harm was done at all, and i was not attempting suicide if that’s what your thinking). All that i thought was that, God wanted to show me that my life is important, and just experiencing being nowhere scared me. But i was content when i woke. I was at peace, and eventually fell back to sleep.
Over the weekend, it continued to be a huge mess. I was just not in a good place at all, and to top it off i was home alone. Probably not such a good idea. The weekend ended and the arguing-texts had calmed down. We eventually talked a little more normal by Monday. Tuesday rolled around and i went to school, met my friend for coffee, and went to work. At work i felt very sick. I had a nauseous feeling in my stomach and my body was just tired and achy. So i called my boss and had a coworker come in and work for me. I drove home (barely) and went straight to my bed and laid there. I was so tired, sick, and my stomach was just full of nausea. I laid the rest of the night in my bed. I eventually got a text later from Lincoln. Oh great. This cant be happening. I ignored it, and rested. The next morning we text a little and it just started again.
Everything that i thought we had, and everything that we had wanted in our future together fell beneath my feet. Everything i was hoping for, just crumpled. My heart broken, left abandoned. I feel truly and utterly unloved, un-cared for, and just abandoned. It happened Wednesday night. A week ago from June 4th. That night i ran in crying into my moms room. She was amazing. I am so thankful for my mom helping me get through a breakup. She was giving me encouragement and guidance.I just didn’t want this to be over. My heart wont let me be over it.
So there i was, putting on another fake face through the rest of the week at school. I tried keeping busy, but i had little concentration all weekend and spent long hours just watching TV. I was emotionless that weekend. A week later, I am a wreck. Still.
I tried running a four 4 mile run. But running while your pissed, mad, emotional, and not to mention it was still pretty warm out is not a good idea. I ended up barely breathing, barely gasping for air. I had to stop, to calm down and get myself together. After my run, it just went down hill. I had nothing to say. I was sitting in the kitchen, my family trying to comfort, and me feeling lost, looking for answers and trying to think of positive things to look toward.
All i can say is that i am just shocked! I am so mad, and pissed all together. Every thing that i put forth into this relationship is gone. They are beaten and they are thrown away. But Still half my heart is still overseas? Why? My mind is extremely mixed up, and i am on the verge of going insane. I have been through nothing but storms, thorn bushes, and rain from my eyes. And what have i received?
I get the Love from God. But All i think is Why? Why does my life have to be so hard right now? I having been praying so much this past week, searching for answers.
- If lincoln and I are meant to be. We will be together. But if we are not, then it wont happen.
- Don’t plan anything. God has your plans in his hands. Things will work out in his timing.
- Never expect. Even though i have been waiting to see him, and i expected to see him and i expected everything to be perfect when he came back, those things flipped the opposite direction.
- People change, Especially men who are in service. Whether you say they wont, and they willl be the same when they come back. They change, maybe not a lot, but they do.
With this new path in my life. I am just not liking it so far, but God has told me that there will be better days coming. I pray every day.
I pray for Lincoln.
Lord, Please comfort, and strengthen Lincoln in his deployment. I ask that you keep him safe, and bring him back to his family.Provide peace for him and to know that you are his main focus. Take away all the stress, and things that are weighing him down so that he can continue to fight for the US. Lord, allow him to know his true purpose and where his focus should be. Please send my love, and care for him. Amen.
Through all of this pain, I am content. I am comforted and i am safe because of my One True Love! I know that in my heart, its best to have a break and to allow Lincoln some space. In some ways i am relieved and in others i am pissed. I truly have no clue what to think. It all happened so fast, like a blink. A blink and everything is gone. Everything is changed. Truly right now, all i need is to heal. I need time for myself and to focus everything on Christ. I don’t like this… one bit. I still miss him. So Much! Its hurts. My heart if hurting, and i am requesting prayers for myself, as well as Lincoln.
Thank You for all the support and Love.